"I'm not crazy..."

"I've just been in a very bad mood for the past 40 years."

Hi Friends!

Yes, I watched Steel Magnolias yesterday. I also watched Outsourced, Sister Act, Dead Man Walking, GI Jane and a bunch of other movies this weekend. I watched movie after movie while laying in bed. I was trying to take my mind off the internal war going on in my body. Saturday and Sunday were miserable -- I was so sick that I questioned my decision to do chemo at all. I was so sick that while my 14 year old daughter helped me take a bath, I questioned whether this time of my life was just a bad dream. Molly...She's the best nurse ever -- better than any "real" nurse I've ever had, but I'm her Mom and I worry. So I asked Molly if it's hard to have a sick Mom. And she honestly replied that it is, because she has a lot of responsibility -- but that she doesn't mind. And she told me that it's OK to not do the chemo. She doesn't know what she'd do if she were me...Sometimes I don't know what I'd do if I were me, and I am. I get it...

By the end of Sunday, it was better...not good, but better. I was able to move from my bed to the living room sofa. Bill made blueberry pancakes for dinner. I used to make dinner. I started the tradition of having breakfast for dinner of Sunday years ago back when I grocery shopped, cooked, cleaned and exercised... The pancakes were good...I kept them down, along with some rice, gatorade and popsicles. Now it's Hurray for me...I can eat:-)

By the end of the night, I was able to go to bed and snuggle up with SuperMan and actually sleep. Once again, SuperMan came and saved the day, catching Lois Lane as she was tumbling wildly toward the ground...

Today Bill went to work, and Molly went to school. Cam is still home sick with the same flu that I have. I wish that I could take care of him, not that a 17 year old "needs" taking care of...but it's a Mom thing, I guess. Nate and Isaac have routines and are able to learn and grow without me "supervising their learning" for today...I feel Ok today, but I am aware that if I push it -- I will start tumbling again. For today, I'll take it easy...call my friends, go see Dr. Cohen this afternoon.

A lot of people ask how I do it...I get it, I asked that about other people when they were sick. I do it, one step at a time, one moment at a time...I do it because it's the road I've been placed on. On good days, I do it with joy. On bad days, I do it while bitching. But what's important is that I do it...I've tried to quit on several occasions and God hasn't accepted my resignation. My family still needs me. And I still have more to learn.

So for now, I'm still on the sandy, beach road -- good, ocean-views and I'm not the driver, but thanks to all who are driving for me right now...

Much Love,
Michele